Jokes

[Tonkey]

I just though we need a joke section! If anyone has a any funny or nasty jokes to tell. Please feel free to share them with everyone.

[steve]

I don't get your signature.

[Tonkey]

yo moma is sooo hairy, she has to part the hairs on her ass to take a shit.

[Kitty]

If you guys want some good jokes, go to:

www.funny.com

[TheShadyOne]

ok I have one... Three men walk into a bar, ok you following me? Alright then the fourth one ducks. OOOOOH thats classic Mr. Lawrence humor right there.

[steve]

You're not allowed to come back.

[Nachofunk]

A baby seal walks into a club.... get it? Now that's a classic.

[pygmypiranha]

:) I took this from ashleeana Livejournal because it is pretty true and funny.

You might be from a small town if...
1. You can name everyone you graduated with.

2. You get a whiff of manure and think of home.

3. You know what 4-H is.

4. You ever went to "headlight parties".

5. You used to drag "main".

6. You said the 'f' word and your parents knew within the hour.

7. You schedule parties around the schedule of different police officers, since you know which ones will bust you and which ones won't.

8. You ever went cow-tipping.

9. You have ever partied with a guy who is 25, has no job, but is the 'buyer' for all of the best parties.

10. You have parties at the same guy's house.

12. School gets cancelled for state sporting events.

13. The town social events are their children's.

14. You could never buy cigarettes because all the store clerks knew how old you were. (and, if you were old enough, they'd tell your parents, anyhow)

15. When you did find someone old enough and brave enough to buy smokes, you still had to go out to the country and drive on back roads to smoke them.

16. Social acceptance in town depended on the approval of the five old (but rich) hags that met each morning at the donut shop for the latest smut.

17. You were ever in the Homecoming parade.

18. You have ever gone home for Homecoming.

19. You fix up to go buy milk lest anyone starts the rumor that you have gained weight or quit taking care of youself.

20. No place sells gas on Sunday.

21. Friday nights fun consisted of standing in line for the one screen theater and since it was sold out, watching truckers and drinking coffee at the truck stop (the only place open after 10).

22. You have to drive an hour to buy a pair of socks.

23. It was cool to date someone from the neighboring town.

24. You have ever gone for a walk in the cemetery, on a date.

25. You ordered your waredrobe out of a catalog.

26. You had senior skip day.

27. The whole school went to the same party after graduation.

28. The only 'clique' that nobody would be nice to was the skurves across the street.

29. You don't give directions by street names or house numbers, but you give directions by references. (turn by Armstrongs' Liquor, go two blocks past Andersons', and it's four houses left of the track field.

:toast:

[mysterious bunny]

the sad thing about that post alex is that it is all true

[Tonkey]

mostly for you.

[mysterious bunny]

ok... mattawan isnt exatcly a booming metropolis compared to marcellus.... its just slightly bigger... and i know that you must have done some of those things too bart....

[pygmypiranha]

:lol: He's trying not to remember. He's tried to forget!!! :lol:

[Tonkey]

I don't live in mattawan

[pygmypiranha]

Well, it's shit. That's right, shit!

Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.
Consider:

You can be shit faced.
Shit out of luck, or have shit for brains.

With a little effort, you can get your shit together.
Find a place for your shit, or decide to shit or get off the pot.

You can smoke shit.
Buy shit, or sell shit.
Lose shit, find shit.
Forget shit, and tell others to eat shit and die.

Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference
between shit and shineola.

There are lucky shits.
Dumb shits, Crazy shits, and sweet shits.

There is bull shit.
Horse shit.
Bat shit.
Rat shit.
Cat shit, and chicken shit.

You can throw shit.
Sling shit.
Catch shit.
Shoot the shit, or duck when shit hits the fan.

You can give a shit.
Serve shit on a shingle.
You can find yourself in deep shit, or be happier than a pig in
shit.

Some days are colder than shit.
Some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain
shitty.

Some music sounds like shit.
Things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like
shit.

You can have too much shit.
Not enough shit.
The right shit.
The wrong shit, or a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit.
Have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shits creek without a
paddle
Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit, and other times you
fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building
block of creation.

And remember, once you know your shit, You don't need to know
anything else!

You could pass this along, if you give a shit!

[Kitty]

*Laughs*

[pygmypiranha]

Who would have thought shit could be so... versatile...

[cuteNsexy]

2 SARS viruses walk into a bar...1 says "im starving"
the other says "yea..i cud kill for a chinese"

[steve]

Whoa, England. Hopefully, the forum will attract some of the weird English people who used to email me.

[cuteNsexy]

we're not wierd! we're just Crazy... or is that just me?

[cuteNsexy]

hey...y do u get 5 piles of shit n i only get 1?

[steve]

Because it's my site. :P

Post more and your rank will go up.

[cuteNsexy]

Fine! i will...hehe

[pygmypiranha]

Thought this was kindda funny.

[pygmypiranha]

This was also kindda funny.

Bill Gates of Borg... Resistance is Futile.

[pygmypiranha]

Ahhh and then there are these...

[pygmypiranha]

Ahhh one more trekkie reference...

[Nachofunk]

Steve will appreciate this joke.


www.monkeycrap.com


hahahahhahahhahaha!!! Oh man, I've got tears in my eyes....hehehe....hahhahhahahahaha

[steve]

Nope, I don't get it.

[mysterious bunny]

i think what phil is trying to say is that your website is a joke........

[Tonkey]

:hammer: LOL

[pygmypiranha]

:hammer: LOL

I love that emoticon... ROTFL

[mysterious bunny]

Q: what has a tongue but can not speak? :?




A: a whipped boyfriend.... :lol: hahahaha

now thats funny...... :drunk:

[pygmypiranha]

The boss of Stone Company Marketing called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. When everyone gathered, the employer, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt-out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme was Viagra advertising slogans. The only rule was that they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable. About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top
Ten List. After all the laughter and camaraderie was enjoyed by all, the
rest of the week went very well for everyone.

The top ten:

10. Viagra, Whaazzzzz Up!

9. Viagra, The quicker pecker upper.

8. Viagra, Like a rock!

7. Viagra, When it absolutely, p ositively has to be there overnight.

6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.

5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.

4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

3. Viagra, Tastes great! More filling!

2. Viagra, We bring good things to life!

And the unanimous number one slogan:
1. This is your penis.... This is your penis on drugs.


:D

[Tiny]

Little johnny comes home from school one day with a paper due on politics. So he goes to his dad for help.

"dad, what's politics?" asked johnny.
"well son, it's complicated. But you can probably get a good idea about politics from our family. Let's say I'm capitalism, because I bring the money into the house. Your mother is like the government because she enforces the rules. The maid is the working class, and let's call your baby brother the future. Just watch us today and see how politics work."

That night johnny wakes up to the sound of his baby brother crying. He goes over to the crib and the kid had a loaded diaper. So he goes to his parents room and finds his mother snoring. He can't wake her up so he goes to the maid's room where he sees his father having sex with the maid. Johnny finally gives up and goes back to bed.

The next day Johnny's dad asked him what he had learned about politics.

"Lots dad!" Johnny said, "Capitalism is screwing the working class, the government's asleep, and the future is in deep shit."

[Max Power]

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe. The two precede to get wasted. The giraffe passes out in the corner. The man goes to leave and the barkeep says "Hey, you can't leave that lyin' there!" The man says "It's not a lion, it's a giraffe."

Two Irishman are stranded on a liferaft in the ocean. One day a genie appears and says "I will grant you one wish." Before the older one can talk, the younger one has shouted "Turn the whole ocean into beer!" "It is done." says the genie. He does it and disappears. "You idiot!" shouts the older one. "Now we have to piss in the boat."

[Max Power]

What do you get for the man who has everything? Penicilin

[Max Power]

How do you define "Making love"?

It's what a women does when a man is fucking her

[mysterious bunny]

:shock: :o i don't like that last one..... joshua......

[steve]

*whupisssshh*


(That's the whipped sound in case you were wondering.)

[Max Power]

Hey, I still said it, just 'cause she don't like it don't mean I'm whipped.

Why do women fake orgasms?

Because they think we care.

[steve]

Oof. Cruisin' for a bruisin' I see.

[Tonkey]

I Got twist to that one Josh.

Why does Anna invite people to her music concerts?

Cause she thinks we care.


aaaaahahahahahaha, i crack myself up.

j/k though. :lol:

[mysterious bunny]

hahahahahahaha...... you are all toooo funny........ :lol:
Josh is not whipped..... i am not julia or sara...... i prefer my men with free will and decision making qualities.... it's hard enough to think for me let alone others....... and i am entitled to my opinion just like everyone else

[Max Power]

See, I made her say that. Now who's whipped?

[Max Power]

What do spinach and anal sex have in common?

If you're forced to have them as a child, you won't like them as an adult.

[steve]

I'll handle the blonde jokes, then.

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a pair of sun glasses?
A. The sun glasses sit higher on your face.

Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a Porsche?
A: You don't lend the Porsche out to your friend.

Q: What is the difference between butter and a blonde?
A: Butter is difficult to spread.

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
A: You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball.

Q: What did the blonde say when asked if she'd ever been picked up by 'the fuzz'?
A: No. But I've been swung around by the tits.

Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes go in first.

Q: Why do blondes wear underwear?
A: They make good ankle warmers.

Q: What do blondes do for foreplay?
A: Remove their underwear.

Q: How do blonde braincells die ?
A: Alone.

Q: How do you brainwash a blonde?
A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down.

[Max Power]

A blonde and her husband were listening to the radio during a snowstorm. Over the radio came the announcement: "Due to the snowfall, please park on the north side of the street to allow the plows through." So, she went out and moved the car. The next day the announcement said: "Please park your cars on the south side of the street to allow the plows through." So, she went out and moved the car. The next day, the snow was even worse. The announcement came: "Please park your cars..." and the radio died. "Oh no!" said the blonde. "Which side of the street am I supposed to park the car on?" Her husband looked over and said "Why don't you just leave it in the garage?"

[Kitty]

Why did the Native Americans never scalp brunettes?

Because the hair on the buffalo's ass was better looking.

[pygmypiranha]

How do you kill a blonde?

Put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a swimming pool

[Max Power]

What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?

Christopher Walken

[mysterious bunny]

thats horrible... and mean... and cruel... its not nice to make fun of others who are less fortunate than us....

but it is totally the kind of joke that i expect out of you joshua

[Max Power]

Chrisptopher Reeve was an actor and is probably worth millions of dollars. That's hardly less fortunate than me. Plus, he gets to sit on his ass all day, lucky bastard.

[Max Power]

What does Michael Jackson like best about twenty-six year olds?

There's twenty of them.

[mysterious bunny]

hahahaha.... looks like you've been pretty buddy buddy with good ol Michael Jackson...... hahahahahahaha :lol:

[Tiny]

I think that's how bart got his euros :shock:

[Max Power]

hahahaha.... looks like you've been pretty buddy buddy with good ol Michael Jackson...... hahahahahahaha :lol:

Yeah, me and Jacko are like this *crosses fingers and holds them up with knuckles away from body* He's the one that tells me most of these jokes, like...

Why don't I (meaning him, Michael Jackson) go to the beach anymore?

Because people are always yelling at me (meaning him, Michael Jackson) "Hey! Get out of my son!"

[mysterious bunny]

:o i think you are way to obsessed with michael jackson...

[pygmypiranha]

You Know You're From Michigan When...


You define summer as three months of bad sledding.

You think Alkaline batteries were named for a Tiger outfielder.

You can identify an Ohio accent.

Your idea of a seven-course meal is a six pack and a bucket of smelt.

Owning a Japanese car is a hanging offense in your hometown.

You know how to play (and pronounce) Euchre.

The Big Mac is something that you drive across.

You believe that "down south" means Toledo.

You bake with soda and drink pop.

You drive 75 on the highway and you pass on the right.

Your Little League baseball game was snowed out.

You learned how to drive a boat before you learned how to ride a bike.

You know how to pronounce "Mackinac".

The word "thumb" has a geographical rather than an anatomical significance.

You have experienced frostbite and sunburn in the same week.

You expect Vernor's when you order ginger ale.

You know that Kalamazoo not only exists, but that it isn't far from Hell.

Your favorite holidays are Christmas, Thanksgiving, the opening of deer season and Devil's Night.

Your snowmobile, lawn mower and fishing boat all have big block Chevy engines.

At least one person in your family disowns you for the week of the Michigan/Michigan State football game.

You know what a millage is.

Traveling coast to coast means driving from Port Huron to Muskegon.

Half the change in your pocket is Canadian, eh.

You show people where you grew up by pointing to a spot on your left hand.

You know what a "Yooper" is.

Your car rusts out before you need the brakes done

Half the people you know say they are from Detroit... yet you don't personally know anyone who actually lives in Detroit

"Up North" means north of Clare.

You know what a pastie is.

You occasionally cheer "Go Lions- and take the Tigers with you."

Snow tires come standard on all your cars.

At least 25% of your relatives work for the auto industry.

You don't understand what the big deal about Chicago is.

Octopus and hockey go together as naturally as hot dogs and baseball.

You know more about chill factors and lake effect than you'd EVER like to know!

Your snowblower has more miles on it than your car.

Shoveling the driveway constitutes a great upper body workout.

When giving directions, you refer to "A Michigan Left."

You know when it has rained because of the smell of worms.

You never watch the Weather Channel - you can just assume they're wrong.

The snowmen you make in your front yard actually freeze. Solid.

The snow freezes so hard that you can actually walk across it and not break it or leave any marks.

All your shoes are called "tennis shoes", even though no one here plays tennis anyway.

Your major school field trip includes camping and cross-country skiing.

Half your friends have a perfect sledding hill right in their own backyard.

You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from Michigan.